My life has a dullness
now, not like the happy times of my youth
But like a cloth that has been washed too many times
or like a silent gray moth that flutters with tuneless
rhythm.
This is not what I expected.
I'd thought I'd be
happy now like a bird that flies so high...
With no cares, no worries...but life has taken my youth
which I can remember just like yesterday
But it seems as though between yesterday and today years have
passed me by.
I didn't know I'd be lying to the world, my emotions on an edge
as thin as air
yet hanging balanced between being sane and being not.
My inner fears of being someone I'm not.
I am living my fears in the flesh yet...
Not.
I had not expected this.
This violent turmoil
building inside me,
the mistrust permeating the air around me.
The hatred I feel for life because I cannot control my own life
because life controls all life
And blames it on fate.
I had expected to be halfway through my dreams and goals.
Not wandering about with adult problems and adult worries of never
being able to be myself.
but my self older wiser and restricted by life.
I had not expected this.
I had not expected to feel as if half my life is over
Like an ageless flute that’s tune is not quite right...
I had not expected this,
this loneliness,
this feeling of being rejected by the world.
Nothing ever like this.
Nothing quite like this
7 comments:
that is so beautiful... sums up and closes so very well. i guess everyone goes through this phase at some point from their teenage to early 30s..... you have managed to translate those thoughts and feelings into words well. your best blog yet in my humble opinion. keep writing :)
Someone wise said 'All good things come to an end' and I believe all bad things have an end too!
It's only a matter of time before you get over this phase. Before long, you'll find a ray of light at the end of the dark tunnel. Let's hope the light is not that of an oncoming train though :p
In dwelling on the past or worrying abt the future, forget not to live n enjoy the present :)
Peace!
For some of them fun lies once you unwrap the layers. And for some it lies in the sheer process of unwrapping, tiny bits of happiness twinkling and sparkling from the crumples. Such are the gifts of life and at life itself like a fractal of those lil gifts.
P (Hope it wont be so dificult for you to guess who wrote this comment :P)
Hey Deeps tht was good. but looks to me like u hiding something. u usually rite ur true feelings.. u can share with me , u know tht. msg me anytime. u know my address
Wake up to the world dear...
There is no happy without sad! There is no gray without black!
There is no fun without trouble!
There is an age when we all love to live in our own dreamy castles and then as we grow up, we should and must learn to slowly and gradually step out of them, into the real world, where all those things that we imagined, all those emotions that we expected to experience, DO EXIST, but not without their anti-feelings, and anti-emotions!!! Life is always a package, and never lets you just see one side of the coin.. That is the most beautiful thing abt life.. that it makes you lose, sometimes bitterly, and then lets your spirits decide whether you'll try again to win or not? And if you do, it shows you the other wonderful side of the coin, that you'd have otherwise not believed in when you were losing :)...
So dont be bitter, but prepared! Dont be angry, rather be upset with your lose, talk to yourself and be ready to walk up again...!!!
One more thing i should have mentioned was - all those expectations, beliefs, dreams that one has are not a sign of weakness.. they are a sign you being 'human'... and i strongly believe, that saying which says - you can only achieve what you dare to dream for...
however, failing in an effort to achieve your dreams..or failing to receive the same kind of response that you expect, doesnt and shouldnt make you bitter, it should just make you doubt (and rectify) your efforts in achieving your goal, not make you doubt the goal itself :)... those are two different things and most people get too sentimentally attached to an effort that forget to realize that their effort was a failure, not the intention to achieve a goal!!!
Bhavesh
Great piece, your blog is really cool!
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