God

People wonder sometimes how an intelligent person can believe in God. If you're wondering this, I have no easy answers for you, but I have a response. I think God is a mystery; this leads me to think that people cannot claim to know much about God. People get seduced into projecting themselves onto God, as if God was made in their image. People love to project themselves onto other people, including parents, children, other loved ones, and anyone who is in conflict with them. Where God is concerned, we probably need to think in terms of whatever evidence we have (as is true for most of life). And you have to look for, or examine, evidence carefully. Evidence, in my personal experience, does not come in material forms only. There are immaterial kinds of evidence, ephemera, and intangible factors that prove all kinds of things. In this realm, a person can find evidence for the existence of God. I have, and that is why I believe that God exists and that God lived, visited plenty of people, then vanished into transcendence. The evidence I have for this is not material, though it is historical in some aspects. The crucial evidence for the existence of God is, I think, transformation (and lots of other people appear to share my view, though that doesn't make it correct per se, but is reassuring). In other words, my life changed. When people speak of God, they need to be very careful, so I don't want to be too rash in my assertions. Anyone who wants to know about whether or not God exists has to find out, I think, for themselves. It's not a second-hand relationship you can impose on others. And it's probably--speaking from my experience--about love, and not about fear. Perhaps God may occasionally choose to speak through other people, but it seems that belief begins within oneself alone.

Those beliefs

Since someone asked, I'm trotting out a list of beliefs which define me a bit more closely and clearly than the terms "liberal" or "conservative". These are in no particular order--just as they come to mind during a rather exhausted slice of free time before work :P

I think the government should act to preserve individual freedoms and avoid infringing on peoples' privacy unless acts committed in privacy infringe on or harm the rights of others.

I believe in freedoms being extended to everyone to the extent that they don't restrict or inhibit others and their freedoms.

I believe that people, including myself, should take responsibility for their thinking by doing appropriate research and by exercising logic in working out their course of action, their thinking, and their opinions (aside from the kind of opinion like "I prefer chocolate ice cream").

I am a supporter of Democratic party for my entire politically viable life.

I believe that homosexuality is natural among humans and maybe animals too, and therefore should not be legislated against, nor restricted by churches who (in my opinion) misread the Bible in saying that homosexuality is unnatural.

I believe that abortion is not a right but a practice which should be exercised by women for reasons of health, and not for reasons of "oops, I was too careless to avoid getting pregnant."

I believe that government should not favor, in its actions, certain particular parties by giving them lucrative jobs or by slyly and covertly twisting public policy in order to enrich said parties. I think this is an abuse of power, committed by the people in the White House, and unfortunately committed in the past by people of both parties.

I do not believe that the ends justify the means, in general.

I believe in God.

I believe in respect, as opposed to bigotry, unfairness, narrow-mindedness, and penalizing others just because they disagree with you or are different from you. However I also believe in arguing with those with whom I disagree. I wish to avoid being venomous in my arguments, however.

I believe in the right to privacy but I am skeptical of the paranoid; for example, I often suspect that those who have Friends Only MySpaces are paranoid. Or else they are displaying nude photos that they don't want anyone but friends to see.

And that will do to be going on with--but I will answer anyone's questions or probings of my thought-process (expect same in return).

Remembering You

You can only see what happens when I close
my eyes,
to think about you and remember those times
when we were together,
and when we were close friends,
those beautiful times which now hurt to think of.

All those long talks we had together,
I liked the way you made me feel happy,
you made my heart as weak as a feather.

You introduced me to the beautiful world of friendship,
Something I haven't felt for a while.

Now you are gone, I'm just alone,
I cry myself to sleep every night,
I can't get a drop worth of rest.

I used to wonder,
if my heart was worth being broken,
Now I know, if I could ever go back,
I'd do it all over again.

What fills my days and consumes my vast energies

Recently someone made it clear that he doesn't know how busy I am. In a conversation, he gave me the sense that he has no idea what fills my life. And I never think about who knows what is going on in my life. It never occurs to me that anyone would think about my life, from the outside, and decide something about my life, form a viewpoint as it were, based on no information. Yet this happens, all the time. So now I'm taking ten minutes before I go to bed, to craft this note. Perhaps craft is too strong a word.

My days are full of teaching and learning; on some days I teach eight hours, on other days less, and in the non-teaching hours I do my mba presentations, glance over any reading due, research anything I don't know (thank God for the Internet!!). Sometimes students interrupt all this to meet with me and talk, vent, cry, dither or exult about something. I am responsible for answering every phone call and email in a timely fashion, usually defined as one to two days. I extend the same courtesy to my friends.

Then, in addition to all this, I have friends, and I have to fight for time to spend with them because I have quite a few, thank God. Then too, there are family meetings every so often. But! I am not finished describing my work: I have to prep for MBA classes. And then there is awesome planning, which takes from a few minutes to a few hours, with preparing financials, grocery shopping, cleaning, assignment completion, researching (fortunately I like to do this and am fairly proficient which might explain why researching invests nearly all of my life). Then too, there's spiritual life and personal life.

And now my minutes are up, so I might flesh this note out further at a later date describing my hours of learning piano, workshops, taking photographs, and reading at least one-two hours per day, and often writing in a blog as well. But now, must fly--

Not what I expected!

My life has a dullness
now, not like the happy times of my youth
But like a cloth that has been washed too many times
or like a silent gray moth that flutters with tuneless
rhythm.
This is not what I expected.

I'd thought I'd be
happy now like a bird that flies so high...
With no cares, no worries...but life has taken my youth
which I can remember just like yesterday
But it seems as though between yesterday and today years have
passed me by.

I didn't know I'd be lying to the world, my emotions on an edge
as thin as air
yet hanging balanced between being sane and being not.
My inner fears of being someone I'm not.
I am living my fears in the flesh yet...

Not.
I had not expected this.

This violent turmoil
building inside me,
the mistrust permeating the air around me.
The hatred I feel for life because I cannot control my own life
because life controls all life
And blames it on fate.

I had expected to be halfway through my dreams and goals.
Not wandering about with adult problems and adult worries of never
being able to be myself.
but my self older wiser and restricted by life.
I had not expected this.

I had not expected to feel as if half my life is over
Like an ageless flute that’s tune is not quite right...
I had not expected this,
this loneliness,
this feeling of being rejected by the world.

Nothing ever like this.
Nothing quite like this

There were 3, 2, and then there were none...

Can you believe I'm almost done with my first MBA class??? Oh I just wanted to share that I recently had one of our team members withdraw from the class. While I'm not sure what the reason was, I'm sure there was something personal enough for that decision to be made rightfully so. This person never communicated to me as I was the team leader or to the other teammates, which could have been disastrous if we were in the later parts of our team project. Whatever the reason may be, it just goes to show that anything can happen at any point! From the interaction I had with this person, s/he really seemed to have a hold of things, and it really was a shocker. Best of luck to this person and hope everything is ok.

The reason why I bring this up is because I believe this happens where we work and for those of you that may be 'stay at homes,' it happens around you also. This is particularly similar to someone not giving two weeks notice at their job and never showing up. People quit, resign, get fired, fall sick, break-up, get divorced, etc., BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON. That is not said to be insensitive, but to really remind us that human beings learn from these misfortunes and the way we get through them is pulling together. Whether it be with family members, friends, colleagues, the country—together we are able to get through these situations in life to ultimately reach our goal. Getting back to my reference to where I work, sometimes I had to carry on more tasks to make up for the work that has been lost from the person that has left, and in this aspect, my team had to pull together even more, so we can carry out our goal—which is to complete the research and get a great grade.

I think by things popping up or the unexpected happening is a great experience. We should try to turn negatives into positives and try to put a spin on things. This also helps us develop as individuals and prepares us for the competitive world.

Liars

It's so interesting to contemplate the activity of lying. Some people are reflexive liars: they lie by reflex because they are scared, or don't know what to say, or want to hide so much about themselves, or perhaps because they don't even know what the truth is, so out pops a lie when they are speaking about some subject, as if the one speaking with them has pushed a button. And some are strategic liars: they plan their lies, sometimes in an instant, and they may not enjoy it, but they feel the need to defend themselves with an untruth. And some are compulsive liars: they can't help themselves, or they don't know what's true. And some are tactful liars: they compliment some factor of you or your appearance, just to administer a little uplift; or perhaps they feel caught out when you ask what they think of your hair or shoes or shirt, and they spit out a lie (which you might even deserve for asking).

Lying is not the same as storytelling, though a grey area might be said to differentiate the two. Telling a story may be an attempt at art, in which a nugget of truth nestles in its beating heart, or bits of truth are strewn throughout. Telling a lie may be an attempt to evade, hide, or run from the truth, yet it often can be found to point at the truth, despite its intention. In the aforementioned grey area, someone might tell a story, either to himself or to someone else, in order to make sense of facts. For instance if X and Y are friends, and Y stops speaking to X, without divulging a reason, then X may begin, without even planning it, to create stories explaining Y's silence. And these stories might not be true. Or, in a more common example, A and B might be in a relationship, and then get separated. They might tell different stories, perhaps sprinkled with truth.

Hmm.. I think someone I know is a liar, maybe the reflexive kind. I am a bit worried about this person's relationship with the truth. I wonder if he knows it or thinks about it, or if he thinks he just has to defend himself. At first I thought I was wrong and wondered whether I had just gotten the facts wrong. But then it keeps happening and some things are so evident. He's not particularly lying about almost-serious stuff, but about serious stuff.
And that is the kind of one-foot-away-from-the-truth kind of thing I'm talking about. This is very painful, and I find it compelling to consider why people do things. I am not particularly interested in judging this person for his errata, but I am so interested in his relationship with the truth and his perception of things, that makes him tell people different versions of some evident facts. I can’t even think lying is evil (though, like most things, it can be evil if you use it a certain way). I'm not saying lying is the province of cheaters. But it takes a peculiar sort of genius to dodge fact and hit truth. We should know there is truth at the end of every great lie. Lies framed in fact are the mark of a trifling amateur. For these, I suggest the wheel. Such bad habits must be broken. I'm signing off hoping he would change--at least someday!

Connectedness

Some of you have seen the film “Six Degrees of Separation” which spins out its plotline upon the notion that all people, everywhere, are within six people of knowing one another. And this might not be very interesting except that it beautifully illustrates a gem of world-view: everyone is connected. Lots of writers explore how people are connected. Only a few seem to think it’s a good idea to separate people, to impose distance (which is not the same as boundaries, which might be the subject for another musing), and huddle only with a select few. Some time ago I had an epiphany which got me past the idea that people are not connected; this epiphany has been unfolding, in fresh chapters, for years now.Some people don’t like this idea of basic human connectedness; usually, they’re the ones with something on their conscience. It’s a bit frightening to be connected to, or to be within one or two degrees of, someone you have harmed. Or a friend that you treated shabbily. Or an acquaintance you shunned. Or betrayed. Or avoided because you have something on your conscience. Fear is a burden, and I feel for people who carry too much of it, because I know how that feels.Then another epiphany unfolded: everyone has something on their conscience. That’s one of the connections. And this led me to this shiniest epiphany: it’s a good idea to forgive people. If I forgive people, I don’t need to worry about being one person away from knowing them. I don’t need to worry about them reappearing in my life, as people tend to do, sooner or later, in actuality or on the internet or in heaven or in dreams. What’s in your life stays there, and you can come to terms with it, but it will not go away. Naturally, I’m not referring to behaviors or to objects, but to people.Even behaviors and objects have staying power, I now realize. Some shoddy behavior of mine may be in the past, but it remains a memory in my mind. I can be forgiven and forgive myself, but the memory lurks, hopefully keeping arrogance at bay. And you might know the Orson Welles movie where the dying star, powerful and renowned, utters a word on his deathbed: “Rosebud.” People keep trying to figure out what it means, and only viewers know it’s his old toy sled from childhood—a relic of innocence, perhaps.Another chapter of this epiphany granted the realization that, even if I am not joined to someone by family ties, or the selectivity of friendship, or the peculiar intensity of working together, or what have you, we are still connected. One degree or six, the connection holds. This makes me suppose that I am responsible. I cannot act like a child who huddles and sneers with a clique on the playground, refusing to talk to someone for the eternity of a day; nor can I complain eternally about someone who annoys me. At some point I have to get over it and treat them with the openness of connection. After all, the connection appears to remain, no matter how we treat one another, no matter how far we try to run, or how busy we attempt to keep ourselves. So I might as well just open up. I might as well be decent to everybody.Despite the chapters of this epiphany, I am not perfect. But I am resolved to answer everyone’s phone calls or emails, unless you are a telemarketer or unless the technology is broken :-)

Random Thoughts at Midnight

This is my random thought process at midnight, reflecting over some of the lessons I have learned over the past few months, thought I would share with someone who may be interested as well, if you aren't no pressure, I was going to write it anyways :)

Someone once talked about physical, emotional, and intellectual happiness and reaching through all of these means towards the spiritual platform. I never really spent much time thinking about that, but there are times when it crosses my mind. Often there are moments when you are totally absorbed by something whether it be a thought or a piece of music. I myself have noticed that when I am listening to music, it feels like an overwhelming fulfillment in my heart. Sound has a way of connecting people and transcending just the physical and mental platform. Perhaps that is why chanting and especially group chanting was something that our religion has carried on throughout all our customs.

Those moments of ultimate fulfillment come and go, but it seems whenever you stop to just think about life in terms of what God (whatever you take it to be) has sent to you... it seems absolutely perfect. Whether or not I am successful in life, with or without job (although I know that is no gage of success :), every challenge I have faced has fallen into place. I can imagine this is so confusing for someone to get what I am saying because often half of my thoughts are free of any order or logic...but try and follow this random explosion of thoughts: I have always faced a challenge in the areas I either had the most passion or my own self doubts. It has always turned out to be a gift. Perhaps the people who face the most difficulties are the most lucky in life (or at least that's something a close friend made me believe in)!

Speaking from what I can only imagine is the experience combined with relating every experience in life back to God. If anything good comes then give the entire credit to God and if something bad comes thank God for the challenge. It is probably the most stress free way to live life. To be able to lean on something greater than the smaller concept of ourselves that we walk around in all day. The problem is it takes a huge leap of faith. Almost to blindfold yourself and give your hand to someone to help you cross an ocean to reach paradise--when you aren't even sure if they have reached paradise. I do not doubt the possibilities, but it is hard to get out of your niche when you have been stuck there for so long.

For the time being I can say that in fact through all the levels--physical, emotional, and intellectual--the most enjoyment comes when you are connected to the spirit. For instance, a dancer looks absolutely ugly when she is full of ego on stage, but the most beautiful dancer is the one who is letting her spirit dance through her. Music, dance, art, acting, books, plays, science...they are all amazing aspects of human creation and they become so beautiful when you see what is inside shine through them (You may want to check my album picture!). This is going to sound sappy but if you ever listen to a beautiful piece of music, watch an amazing movie with a great message, a beautiful dance drama, read a great book, learn amazing things through class...the list goes on...and just in that moment let your spirit free and soar through it then you get a glimpse of the life of a realized soul.

Goodnight and good job for making it this far through my random thoughts... Love you all :)